Friendliness Resistance Training

Friendliness resistance training offers a multisensory spin on the traditional lovingkindness exercise.

Resistance training uses resistance to muscular contraction to build physical strength. This exercise uses your willingness and reluctance to imagine the well-being of ourselves and others to develop greater awareness of our shared humanity.

When practiced over time, this exercise strengthens compassion and reduces internal friction to cultivate warmer social connections.

Transcript

So,

Take a minute to lengthen your spine and relax into your posture.

You'll want to take a comfortable posture,

Whether seated on a cushion or a chair.

What's really important is that you are comfortable starting out and begin to notice any relaxation in the body that might appear just as a result of becoming still.

If you happen to discover any relaxation or pleasant sensations in the body,

Take a minute to savor those sensations.

Enjoy them.

What we're going for here is a combination of alertness,

So upright,

Straight spine,

Maybe even opening the eyes if you need to,

If you're feeling drowsy,

But at the same time relaxing,

Settling in,

Maybe allowing your shoulders to relax,

Allowing your limbs to be loose and heavy.

What we'll be working with in this exploration is experimenting with using the imagination to ring the body's bells,

If you will,

Of sensation that seemed to have an emotional flavor.

Ultimately,

We're trying to cultivate the ability to notice and even generate feelings of emotional warmth,

Goodwill,

Friendliness towards ourselves and towards other people.

But starting out,

We're just exploring what we feel in the body when we imagine certain people in specific situations.

So no need to judge whether you're doing it right.

Just be curious and approach this with an attitude of experimentation and curiosity.

So to begin,

Think of the first person who comes to mind,

Who you find easy to admire or appreciate.

There's no wrong answers here,

You might find that from day to day,

The person in this position might change.

So for today,

The first person who comes to mind,

Get a sense of what that person looks like and specifically begin to imagine this person being happy,

Healthy,

Comfortable.

There's no rules here,

It's really up to your creativity.

What you're trying to do is imagine in internal images,

Internal conversation or talk,

Situations that represent happiness and well-being.

Once you have a clear mental image,

Turn your attention to any sensations in the body that seem to have an emotional flavor.

So there's no reason to get caught up about what you should be feeling,

But just notice what you are feeling.

Notice if that feeling stays the same over time,

Whether it increases in intensity or decreases,

Whether it stays stable or begins to wane.

Then you can conjure up other images to see if you can again evoke any kind of emotional response.

When we consider the happiness of this person who we find easy to love or admire or respect,

Feel free to explore this in any way you'd like.

So if you happen to know that the person you're imagining has certain tastes or preferences or activities,

Feel free to imagine those as clearly as possible to represent what you know about this person.

So no rules,

No restrictions.

Just imagine the person engaged in the types of activities that make him or her happy,

Feel alive and connected,

And then observe how this feels in your body in response.

Next,

Imagine a close friend,

Someone you get along with most of the time.

Imagine the same thing here,

Take time to imagine this friend engaged in the activities that make them feel alive,

Happy,

Engaged.

To the best of your ability,

Imagine this friend being happy,

Safe,

Healthy,

And comfortable.

And turn your attention to your body,

Noticing any sensations that seem to have an emotional flavor,

Gratitude,

Warmth,

Happiness,

Joy.

The absence of pleasant reactions is not a problem.

You can just observe that.

It helps to remember that this is an exercise that needs consistent practice over time to cultivate and you'll find fluctuations from day to day as you work trying to evoke sensations that have a positive emotional aspect.

Moving on to a family member,

The first family member that appears in your imagination.

Imagine this person being completely safe,

Content,

Healthy,

And comfortable.

Again,

Noticing any sensations in your own body that appear as a result of imagining in this way.

Feel free to let those sensations grow or fade out.

See if you can locate these sensations in the body,

Noticing where specifically they're occurring.

It helps to try to get a sense of the size,

The shape,

Noticing if the boundaries of these sensations feel solid or wavy.

Continue to investigating whether the intensity of the various flavors you encounter are stable or if they're changing at all.

Now think of a person who you know more of an acquaintance,

Someone who you know but you don't know a lot of details about their story.

Could be someone who delivers your mail or makes your coffee at a coffee shop.

Someone you encounter as you go about your business but you really don't know that much about their personal life.

This is the neutral person.

Now imagine this neutral person being safe.

Notice what kind of images come to mind.

Imagine this neutral person or acquaintance being happy,

Healthy,

Experiencing some ease in their ordinary routine.

With the neutral person,

I like to take a minute to observe how easily my mind is able to fill in the holes of what I don't know.

How I'm usually pretty able to conjure up a whole scenario,

A whole life for this person who I don't know well.

It's interesting to notice that our minds work in this way,

Filling in the details where we don't have any.

It's easier to notice that we do this with acquaintances and people we don't know well.

It's a little more challenging to notice that we do this same thing with the other people that we're closer to or that we're having difficulties with or even ourselves.

Of course we do fill in the details for all these categories of people.

But with the neutral person,

We have a little bit more objectivity.

We know that we're doing it if we pay attention.

Nothing more than that,

Just noticing it.

Take a minute to imagine the loved ones of this acquaintance being happy,

Safe,

Healthy,

And comfortable.

Again noticing how it feels in the body to imagine this kind of well-being.

And also taking some time to notice how vivid this image is that we're able to come up with.

Now imagine yourself.

What does your safety look like?

What would it look like for you to feel completely safe?

Both from the kinds of threats that come from the outside world as well as the threats that we throw in our own way.

Imagine yourself happy.

What do you do when you're happy?

How do you look and sound?

What kinds of interests do you pursue?

What makes you laugh?

What makes you happy to be alive?

Imagine yourself healthy and thriving,

Energetic,

Rested.

And imagine you flowing through the routine of your day with ease,

The obstacles eroding,

Opportunities opening up.

Notice how it feels in the body to imagine in this way.

Our reactions can be complicated.

To the best of your ability,

Try not to judge the reactions.

Just observe as closely as you're able.

Noticing the location,

The size,

The shape,

The stability or change,

And any sensations in the body that seem to have an emotional flavor.

If you happen to encounter any pleasant sensations,

Savor those.

There's no magic formula here for when to imagine your own happiness and well-being.

Some people begin this work with themselves and then move on to the person,

The mentor or the person who they find easy to appreciate.

I find that I like to drop myself into the mix at different points,

So experimenting.

So be open to experimenting,

Noticing,

And savoring any reactions.

Imagine what it would be like if you were able to accept kindness to the same degree that you're able to share it with others.

For most of us,

We seem to have a talent for maybe one over the other.

It can be interesting to imagine what it would be like to live in such a way that we brought some intention to evening this out.

Being able to let things flow in and let things flow out to the same degree.

Being open to accept our own goodness and kindness as readily as we are able to accept it and look for it in others.

Now imagine a person who you find challenging right now,

A difficult person.

Just be curious,

What happens when you consider this difficult person being safe,

Happy,

Healthy,

And comfortable.

It's okay to feel nothing in response,

Which is the case with all these categories of individuals.

It's okay to feel unpleasant sensations in response.

And it's okay to feel pleasant sensations.

The whole point here is not to be a saint,

To not be perfect,

To not transcend all your reactions,

But to merely notice and allow your reactions.

Instead of forcing ourselves to be kind,

Friendly,

Open,

We're creating the conditions to allow kindness and compassion and empathy to take root and sprout and grow and blossom over time.

Imagine the loved ones of the difficult person being safe,

Happy,

Healthy,

And comfortable.

Remembering that this is in no way about condoning behavior,

Excusing behavior.

It's really not about fairness at all.

Instead of being about looking in on a bully on the playground to decide who's wrong,

Who's right,

See if you can take the perspective of a bird flying over the playground,

Just noticing what people do when they interact.

If we step back far enough,

Maybe we can get better at noticing that most,

If not all,

Of what any of us ever do,

We do in effort to try to be happy.

When we work in this way,

We're letting go of judging or evaluating whether these choices are right or wrong,

But simply reconnecting with our own humanity,

Trying to see how even the things that people do that make themselves and others miserable are driven by a desire to feel safe,

Happy,

Healthy,

And comfortable.

Now imagine people all over the world who are struggling with the same issue that you find so perplexing in your own life right now.

Imagine all these people finding some ease and comfort,

Some happiness and safety in the midst of their struggle.

May all the people who are struggling with whatever you are struggling with be safe,

Happy,

Healthy,

And comfortable.

And may the people who are not struggling with this issue at all be safe,

Happy,

Healthy,

And comfortable.

May the people who agree with you and see things your way be safe and happy and healthy.

And may the people who have a contrasting view be safe,

Happy,

Healthy,

And comfortable.

May people with unlimited financial resources be safe and happy and healthy.

And may the people with very little resources be safe,

Happy,

And healthy.

May the people who are followed around by reporters and photographers hoping to catch an embarrassing moment be safe,

Happy,

Healthy,

And comfortable.

May the people with quieter lives or maybe even the people who are watching the news themselves,

Watching other people fail.

May they be safe and happy,

Healthy,

And comfortable.

May the babies in the hospital who are experiencing life for the first time today be safe,

Happy,

Healthy,

And comfortable.

And may the people who are experiencing great sickness or possibly the end of their lives,

Whether at home or in a hospital,

A nursing home,

May these people be safe,

Happy,

Healthy,

And comfortable.

So may we all be free from the kind of harm that comes from the outside world as well as the harm we tend to bring upon ourselves.

May we be physically healthy,

Strong,

Vital,

Rested.

May we have calm,

Clear minds.

And may we cultivate the ability to notice love,

Joy,

Wonder,

And wisdom.

Not in some version of ourselves around the corner,

Some perfect version that deserves love and happiness.

But may we experience all the best that life has to offer in our lives just as they are right now.

Reviews

Wonderful loving kindness meditation. So good for self compassion and for supporting all that feels broken in the world right now. Thank you <3

Listened to this on a morning meditative walk. Good food for thought!😊 Thanks Daron!🌼

Thank you for your wisdom and guidance, Daron. 💕🙏

Gentle and affirming

Fresh, accessible, graceful language to cultivate an open heart. Daron is an easy guide. Thank you!

This is a wonderful meditation for those struggling with difficult people in the work place.

A gentle and pleasant loving kindness meditation. Daron's voice is intrinsically calming.

Thanks, Daron! This was my first time doing friendliness/loving kindness meditation. You made it easier to imagine as it is often a challenge to stay present with images.

A great meditation.

Thanks for this great time that allow me to feel!

This sounds almost identical to a loving kindness meditation i have heard from a bodishatva in therevadic tradition. I am grateful for the reminder.

Wow! I didn't even know I needed this but I guess I did!

So grounding. Just what I need today before work. Birds eye view of coworkers that irritate me. Wishing them and their families. Safety, health ....

Nice instruction in different ideas & visualizations. Really helped build feeling of connection to others.

Refreshing and calming.

This is a beautiful take on the loving-kindness meditation, with a focus on the sensations of the body and a deepening of the experience of wishing for all beings to be at ease.